Got a very long question in my inbox
Anon: i don’t know who to turn to and I figured you were a good person to ask advice from. But anyways, i just hooked up with a guy not too long ago - in the marines, bisexual, “separated” from his girl, cute with a baby face, toned but not muscular… I met him thru craigslist. We talked before hand, for about 30 or so minutes just getting to know each other…And then we fucked right after. Now I love to kiss and makeout. It’s the part of me that role plays while I’m hooking up. Passionate sex is something I yearn for… and passionate sex I associate with partners in a relationship. So I suppose every time I hook up, I role play that they’re are partner in real life. So we started off with a make out sesh, heating up to oral and then climaxing with anal, and making out in between. I mean, he was really nice and sweet, treating me as if I were his… or that’s what it felt like or perhaps that’s what I’m wanting to believe. at the end of the night, it’s leaving me wanting to be with him and wanting to contact him the next day to see if I can see him again? I get anxious and I can’t wait… it’s like I’m putting all my hope into wishing he’d feel the same way I do about him…My question is how do you stop this? How do you prevent yourself from falling for your hook up? Is it really only through closing and hardening your heart, flipping a switch, so that sex is just sex? It’s also been awhile since I’ve had sex like this before. I guess you can say my heart has softened up. I just don’t know what to do and I want to stop thinking of the guy. What do you suppose I do? please help me…
First of all, you should never have had sex with this guy. When you went into this you were looking for something more than just a hook-up. You wanted passionate sex. That’s not what NSA is.
Second, you said you “role play that they’re are partner in real life”. That was also a red flag. That isn’t NSA.
Third, you talked to him. He “was really nice and sweet, treating me as if I were his… or that’s what it felt like or perhaps that’s what I’m wanting to believe”. You are making something out of nothing. This is not what NSA is.
I never considered myself hardening my heart or closing it. I just saw hooking up as a means to an end, and the end was to bust a load. You should come at NSA like a business arrangement and stick to it wholeheartedly.
When you have an orgasm the brain releases a certain chemical called oxytocin which are noted to be released during an orgasm and when a woman is breastfeeding. Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. That is why a mother and child build a strong bond and why after having sex you feel more at ease and comfortable with the person you just had sex with.
I suppose my belief that the majority of the things we do are based off of chemicals helped me to separate myself from bonding or getting close to a person I hooked up, with the rules I built around my NSA activities like never talking to them about anything else but sex to prevent getting close to them helped me to create that line which I prevented me from feeling any sort of attachment.
You should have established in the beginning that this was only to be about sex, nothing more.
You also should have never gone in trying to role-play him being a significant other because it evoked more emotions that were not necessary to NSA and were actually detrimental to you. You felt things about someone you just hooked up with. Don’t. I’m not sure what I can do to help you stop thinking about this guy.
You could stop talking to him, cut him off, delete his number, or email or what have you. I honestly would just tell you, it was a hook up. You met this guy once. It may have been fun for one night but how can you feel all these types of attachments to someone in a single night. That’s irrational in my opinion.
I truly hope this helped. If it didn’t, please message me again and I can try to coach you through it, but you made a lot of NSA no-nos in this encounter and I would not recommend you try to hook up with anyone else again until you sort out your personal problems because it seems like you wanted to feel loved more than anything else, not just have sex and NSA is quite the opposite.
